HerMany Loves
by Over40Potterfan
Summary: According to the numerous fanfics,It seems Hermione has been a busy girl. If you know what I mean.
1. Chapter 1

Her-Many Loves

Hermione rolled out of bed around four am. One of her children was crying, and she had to get a warm bottle for them. She padded barefoot through the kitchen, scattering the roaches and got down the jar of powdered formula. It was a new brand, and she wasn't quite sure how much formula to water she needed to use. She tried to read the directions, but realized she couldn't read. She just filled the bottle with Pepsi and headed back upstairs.

She had been going to that dad-blasted school for over six years now, and all she had to show for it was six kids, and an addiction to interesting men. She trudged back up the stairs to the crying baby and picked him up. It was Ronnie Jr. Her third child, and he was five. He was a red head, like his dad. Ron Sr. was somewhere off with his friends and brothers, hunting possum. He sometimes stayed gone for weeks at a time, and she only saw him at school.

She cracked open a cold one for herself, and set down to watch Home Shopping Network. The phone rang. It was four-thirty am.

"Hello, Miss Granger? This is Amy. Um… I won't be able to baby-sit today, my… um… Dad is sick, yeah. And. _Oh Jason, STOP it! _Giggle giggle."

Hermione put the phone back on the receiver and cussed. How in the hell was she supposed to keep her "date" at Hogwarts if she couldn't find a babysitter? She cussed again and lit a Marlboro, accidentally spilling her beer. She cussed again.

"Well now." She thought to herself. "If I am going to make my date I have to take the kids with me." So she started waking them up, one by one.

First she woke her twins, Albie and Argie, whose fathers were Albus Dumbledore and Argus filch. She called her six-year old twins her "Necessary" boys, because it was necessary for her to "spend time" with the headmaster and the Janitor, to help pay her tuition. Which man fathered which, she didn't know.

She let Ronnie Junior, 5, sleep in the crib with his Pepsi and went to wake up her fourth child, Remmie. Remmie was the son of Remus Lupin, who had been her teacher in the third year. She always had a "Thing" for teachers, and had started taking special "lessons" from him in the middle of the year. The fact Professor Lupin was a werewolf bas a BIG turn-on, but she was worried about little Remmie getting teased for his wolf ears and hirsute face. She may have to teach him to shave before Kindergarten.

With Albie and Argie dressed and diapered (yes I know they are six, but this is an unusual story) she plucked her fifth born out of the bureau drawer. He was rather small, yet tall, his hair was messy, yet greasy, he sometimes panted like a dog, and he had one black eye and one brilliant emerald poison seductive green one. She had the child exactly nine months after meeting Professor Snape in the potions closet for a private lesson. What Severus Snape did not know, is she had "met" Harry Potter in the same closet earlier that day, and Sirius Black later on by Hagrid's hut. Sirius was Padfoot at the time, and they did it… you guessed it… _doggy style. _(Okay that's it for the suggestive puns!)

Hermione wasn't sure who had fathered this rather unfortunate looking boy, so she named him Harseverius, Just to be safe.

Her youngest child was conceived as a result of a truth-or-dare. It was Hermione's turn. Ginny Weasley said, in her stereotypically cat-like voice, "I DARE you to do Neville Longbottom." Hermione never backed down from a good dare, so she agreed, temporarily forgetting she had promised to meet Draco Malfoy in the potions closet around five.

Hermione decided she couldn't NOT do her dare. What would that do to her school reputation? So she took Neville with her to the potions closet, putting an "_Orgia vicis" _spell on him. The two Gryffindors and one Slytherin frolicked in Snapes' closet until Draco got tired and left, mumbling something sibilantly about getting his beauty sleep.

The resulting child had white blonde hair, a round face, and two buck teeth. Determining who the father was seemed impossible, so she named the child Dra-ville. (Spoken with a southern United States dialect, the name is actually quite pleasant sounding.)

After waking Ron Jr., she packed the kids up on her Super-Extended-Windstar-2002 and flew off to Hogwarts. Albie and Argie were on the end of the broom, by the bristles. Next on the line was Harseverius and Dra-ville, who had to have baby wizard broom seats. Remmie was in front of them, since he had a tail and could help hold the little ones on. Ron Jr. clung to his mother, still clutching his bottle of warm Pepsi.

Hermione arrived at the Hogwarts grounds several minutes later and landed the bulky broom with a thud. Little Dra-ville, being the smallest of the clan, flew out of his broom seat and landed in the Whomping Willow, where he was flung about like a paddleball. Finally the tree released the squealing blond child and hurtled him toward the ground. He was falling straight at Ronnie Jr., but he was too busy with his Pepsi to help. Remmie, having the quick reflexes and keen eye of his father, leapt up and heroically caught Dra-ville.

"REMMIE, DON'T CHEW THE BABY!" Hermione screamed at the hirsute child, who was so startled he dropped his brother and cowered back on the broom.

With her children following behind her like ducks, even the ones that couldn't walk yet, she opened the doors to the entrance hall. Gasps and "OOoohhhs" of surprise were heard echoing through the large foyer. She could hear the excited whispers of her fellow Hogwartsians, as she led her six children up the marble steps to the first floor.

She almost ran into Harry and Ron, who avoided eye contact with her. Ron Jr. Hurled his now empty bottle at his father's head, just to make a point. Harry was searching the crowd of children for one that might possibly be his. He didn't see one with a scar on its forehead, so he didn't worry about it. Harry wasn't the brightest brick in the butter at times.

Finally summoning courage to speak, Ron said, with a mouthful of chicken, "Gol dang, Hermione, you've been busy!"

Harry looked at Ron "Why are you using a southern sentence modifier? We're British!"

Blushing in the way only a red head can, Ron corrected himself. "Well crikey, mate, you done went and did every bloke at Hogwarts except Dobby!"

"AND Voldemort." Harry retorted, inwardly cringing at Ron's mixed-up dialect.

Hermione defended herself, saying in one breath; "Well It's not MY fault they hired handsome British actors to play the role of characters that I would never in a million years want to shag, if they appeared the way the author originally described them!…"

Draco appeared out of nowhere and said in a sibilant voice, "Yeah, Alan Rickman is H. O. T.!" He licked the tip of his finger and pressed it to his hip, making a hisssssss. He turned and left, his robes swishing beautifully.

Hermione touched her stomach. She felt the baby kick. She had already made a list of names, in case the parenting was hard to determine. Dobbermort if it was a boy, Voldebby if it was a girl. And she was looking forward to her date with Hagrid in early September, after the baby was born.


	2. Part 2

HerMany Loves

Part 2

The Adventures of Harseverius, Dra-ville and Remmie

A year and a half has passed since we last heard from the rather large clan of children spawned by Hermione Granger and various Professors, Janitors Gryffindors, Slytherins, Dark Lords and House Elves at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This is the story of an interesting adventure had by the three youngest boys.

Remmie, Harseverius and Dra-ville sat in the floor of the double-wide. They were in a heated game of "Roach Racing." Amy was babysitting, so there was not much to do but that. They could sit on the couch and watch television, but Amy and her boyfriend Jason were on the couch making out. They could have a snack, but Amy and Jason had eaten all of the chips and fruit roll-ups. They could go outside and play, but Amy had sealed the doors shut with duct tape so they couldn't escape while she was making out with Jason and eating all the snacks.

The twins, Albie and Argie, who STILL weren't potty trained, sat behind the couch giggling at the amorous activities of the two teenagers. They also dined on the bits and pieces of chips and fruit roll-ups that had wedged behind the couch.

The boys sat in a tight circle, cheering the roaches on. Harseverius had named his roach Dog. Remmie named his Prometheus, and Dra-ville hadn't yet learned to talk, so he named his "Unngghhh!" Ron Jr. was in a bad mood and refused to play with them. Their mother had taken his bottle away two weeks ago, so he had to learn to drink his Pepsi straight from the can. This was difficult, since there was no Pepsi left. Jason and Amy had drank it all.

The boys did not like Amy, but her presence here today was a necessity. Their mother had to be hospitalized after giving birth to her eighth child, Hagrid Jr.

The previous addition to the family, their one and only baby sister Voldebby, had just turned one and couldn't be left unsupervised with the clan of adventuresome boys.

Little did they know, just as Unngghhh was about to scuttle over the finish line, a cloaked figure waited outside the trailers back bedroom window. The tall, menacing figure touched a button on his robe. The button beeped. "One to beam up!" he said, none too quietly. He waited for the beaming, but didn't get beamed. "Curse this communicator!" he cursed, and ripped the communicator button off his chest. With several large stomps he figured the communicator had been sufficiently killed. He kicked aside the plastic shards and reached for the window of the bedroom where little Voldebby was napping. He slowly opened the window. (Cue suspenseful, eerie screeching violin music)

Dra-ville was so excited that his roach won the race; he started flailing his arms and drooling. "Roffdumanga!" He screamed, as he brought his webbed hand down on the prized roach. Remmie winced at the sickening crunch. Dra-ville began crying, and this upset Harseverius, and he began crying too. All the crying and wailing upset Remmie and he began to ululate. The racket finally won Amy's attention, and she stormed off the couch, her blouse askew, and yelled.

"What's all this bleepity-bleep noise?" She screamed at the top of her lungs, spraying the boys with saliva. "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M _BUSY?" _Harseverius looked at her and calmly wiped his face.

"Go check on the baby, my back hurts." She ordered them in a glazed voice. She ran back to the couch, leaping over the back of it, and accidentally elbowed her boyfriend's nether regions. Jason screamed in agony.

"NOW LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!" She shouted, trying to calm Jason, who was spewing a stream of profanities that would make Voldemort blush.

Remmie stopped ululating and got up to go check on his sister. Dra-ville saw his brother leaving, and got up too, wiping the roach guts from his hand. Harseverius began rocking back and forth where he sat, emotionally traumatized by Amy's spit shower.

Remmie and Dra-ville walked the short distance to their Mom's bedroom where little Voldebby usually slept. They covered their mouths and noses before entering, because their baby sister always smelled like sulfur. She was, after all, the possible offspring of a very evil Dark Lord. Either that or she had unloaded into her diaper and needed a change.

The room did not smell like sulfur, it smelt of Windsong, cigarette smoke and beer, just like their mom. It took the two boys a minute to figure out why the room smelled so nice. Voldebby wasn't in her crib by the window!

Dra-ville wobbled over to the open window, and stared at the water stained sheer polyester curtain panel that wafted in the ominous breeze. He wanted to touch it, it was so pretty. The way it fluttered, the roundish stains of nicotine and humidity, even the silverfish crawling up the left corner. He reached out his paddle-like hand to touch it.

"DRA-VILLE, DON'T TOUCH THAT CURTAIN, IT MAY CONTAIN EVIDENCE!" Remmie howled at the hapless child.

"Evidence?" enunciated Dra-ville, clear as a tulip shaped device that makes a ringing sound.

Remmie was so shocked his brother had spoken a real word, he temporarily forgot Voldebby was missing.

"Dra-ville! Good boy! You finally said your first word!" He beamed at his younger brother.

Dra-ville was surprised too, and very proud of himself. He pointed boldly at the silverfish on the curtain and screamed "AVADA KEDAVRA!" The silverfish died instantly, leaving a little silverfish shaped imprint on the flapping curtain.

Now Remmie didn't know what to do. He was proud that his brother was finally talking, but appalled he had knowledge of such an unforgivable curse. He was also a bit jealous. Dra-ville was the slowest of the Granger-Dumbledore-Filch-Weasley-Lupin-Potter-Snape-Black-Malfoy-Longbottom-Riddle-Elf-Hagrid children, yet he was the first to show any magical ability. Brushing aside his feelings, an act perfected by his father, he calmly cautioned his brother; "Dra-ville, it's not polite to point."

Dra-ville was crushed. His chin started trembling. "Amogy gock?" he babbled.

Remmie grinned. He was the smartest of the boys, and he knew how to manipulate. He walked over to Dra-ville and hugged him, the younger boys tears soaking Remmie's shoulder.

Suddenly, there was a very loud "CRACK" outside. Remmie peered through the window over his brother's shoulder just in time to see a cloaked figure disapparating. The tall hooded thingymabobber was holding a baby.


	3. Installment 3

HerMany Loves

Part 3

Meanwhile, At St. Mungos

Hermione lay prone on her back, counting the holes in the ceiling. One… two… five… She fought to awaken from a heavy sedative potion she had obviously been given. She tried to open her eyes, but only managed a feeble flutter. _The last time I remember feeling this groggy was the morning after the night I spent with Ron Weasley! _She mused, bringing a smile to her drugged countenance.

Drifting into a light sleep, she remembered that fateful night. For months Ron had been pestering her about not dying a virgin. Hermione tried to explain to the rather dense red-head that she couldn't possibly be a virgin, because she had already given birth to twins. The equally dense Hermione decided to give old Ron a whirl anyway, hoping it would prompt him to quit pestering her.

She made careful preparations for the night; an invisibility cloak to put over his face so she wouldn't have to look at him, two bottles of mouthwash, acne potion, a plunger, three rolls of paper magi-towels, and a bottle of Skele-gro.

_A girl can never be too careful_, she thought with a wicked grin.

She spent the rest of the afternoon brewing a special potion to induce sleep. She was out of one ingredient, so she added artificial bacon bits instead, hoping for the best. The potion was for her, not him.

Ron arrived around seven, wearing nothing but his freckles. She shooed him in, looking around to make sure no one had seen him. While his back was turned, she downed a vial of the potion she had made. "MMmmm… _Bacony_!" She moaned in an exaggerated southern accent.

The author will spare you the details; let's just suffice to say Hermione had a hard time waking up in the morning. When she finally did, she saw Ron all curled up on the floor, wrapped in paper towels like a mummy. He was clutching the plunger in one hand and the acne cream in the other. He was whimpering softly to himself. Hermione had no recollection of the night, since she had been under the influence of the potion. She _was _aware that Ron smelled strongly of mouthwash and Skele-gro.

It took her two hours to pick the bacon bits from between her teeth, several weeks to realize the invisibility cloak was missing, (blatant foreshadowing) and nine months to the day to give birth to Ron Jr.

She drifted out of her dream and heard a horrible sound, like a cross between a muggle jackhammer and the Hogwarts Express whistle. The sound was rhythmic, pulsing, undulating, waxing and waning. She realized what it was, and finally opened her eyes, turning to smile at Rubeus Hagrid, who hadn't left her bedside since she arrived at St. Mungos to give birth to their son, Hagrid Jr.

Hagrid was asleep in a chair beside her bed, drooling into his beard. He had made an attempt to de-bug that bush of a face decoration before he entered the hospital. Hermione noticed he still had that pesky gecko, which occasionally poked its green head from underneath the hairy tumbleweed of beard. Hermione had grown fond of gecko and hoped Hagrid was never able to get rid of it. It was that annoying white duck that kept shouting "AFLAK" that made her cringe.

Suddenly, the chair collapsed under Hagrids' weight, and he crashed to the floor, upsetting the bottle of blood replenishing potion on the bedside table. The crash woke him, and he looked over at Hermione, rather embarrassed.

"Sorry 'bout that!" He garbled sheepishly.

"It's okay Haggy-doodle!" She smiled to her enormous hairy friend.

Hagrid blushed a deep violet. No one had ever cared enough about him to give him a pet name. Big, fat tears rolled down his face and splashed to the floor, creating a puddle. Hagrid sobbed loudly in his happiness.

All the sobbing and crashing alerted one of the mediwitches, and she charged into the room. She slipped in the large spreading puddle created by Hagrids' tears and fell, landing squarely on her back. Hagrid got up in panic, splinters of the broken chair clinging to his massive, moleskin covered buttocks.

"Sorry 'bout that too!" He wailed, and started sobbing again.

Hermione couldn't stand this pathetic display of sorrow, so she slapped Hagrid in the face. Well, she _would _have slapped him in the face, if his face were available. Hagrid was so tall; she only managed to bruise his shin, just below the kneecap.

"Ow! Whadja do 'at for?" He simpered, rubbing his kneecap.

"SOMEONE had to snap you out of it, Rubie-dingle!" She said, in her most authoritative tone.

Hagrids' chin began to tremble. He still wasn't used to the pet names, and it touched his pork shoulder sized heart like nothing else. Hermione plugged her ears for the onset of caterwauling she knew would ensue.

Just then, the head nurse of St. Mungos arrived at the bedside.

"Hermione, you have been in here a month, and I do believe your bones and blood have replenished enough so you can try walking." The stout nurse offered.

Hagrid grew angry. "She's not goin' anywhere until she sees the wee li-il one!"

Confused as to what dialect the large hairy man was using, she cautioned; "Your… ahem… _Son_ is still in the Magi-natal-incubator-thingy."

Hermione blinked. There couldn't be such a thing, could there?

"Well, bring him in anyway!" She ordered the mediwitch, ignoring the look of sheer terror in the woman's eyes. The portly mediwitch reluctantly agreed, and left the room to go fetch little Hagrid Jr.

Several minutes later, and aided by four other nurses, she pushed the large bathtub sized incubator into Hermione's' hospital room.

"Awww, wouldja look a' the li'l lad?" Hagrid cooed, beaming with pride.

The object of his cooing lay in the incubator, all five and a half feet of him. The poor child's body was covered in curly black hair, and his hands were already the size of small dinner plates. His bushy eyebrows met in the middle, and though he was just a newborn, he already had the makings of a five O'clock shadow. "_He's beautiful." _Hermione thought to herself.

"Can I hold him?" She asked hopefully.

"Um…" stammered the med witch.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**The penniless Poet: **Thank you for the interview, I am pleased to see someone actually "gets" my sense of humor! The characters are in for more adventures, so stay tuned!

**TragicFantasy:** Yes! I have read so many fanfics in here, well written ones, silly ones and just plain awful ones. For the record: IDO think Alan Rickman is H. O. T. !

**Cmpbtdudethe: **Yes the story is sick, (part of its morbid appeal) and yes, I have a weird imagination. And no, I am not a man!

**Suckr4romance: **"Ew" Is right, but that is my point, which you obviously "got." lol

**Beautifulbucket: **Thanks for the compliment!

Please do your part in feuling my sick imagination by reading and reviewing my stories! Thanks!


	4. Literary Addition 4

HerMany Loves

Part 4

The Search For Voldebby

Remmie stared out the open window. The place where the cloaked figure disapparated was now a smoking brown circle in the Astroturf. Remmie in ran out of the bedroom to alert his other brothers of the mystery at hand.

He managed to drag Albie and Argie from behind the couch.

"Awww, just as it was getting good!" They whined in unison.

Remmie realized Amy and Jason were FAR too busy to notice anything, so he formulated a plan. He and his five brothers would escape through the back window, but not until they dug through their mothers' closet. Remmie thought it would be a good idea to have as many magical items as possible, even though Dra-ville seemed to be the only wizard in the clan.

Harseverius was rocking back and forth on the worn shag carpeting, still shaken from Amys' saliva fest.

Remmie grabbed his hand. Harseverius didn't budge. Remmie finally picked up His traumatized brother and attempted to carry him to the bedroom. This was no mean feat, since they were roughly the same size. Harseverius kicked, bit and screamed in protest.

Nevertheless, Remmie was strong (thanks to his lycanthropic heritage) and he hoisted Harseverius over his shoulders, jogging easily toward the back bedroom.

The only boy left to round up was Ron Jr. Remmie had no idea where his redheaded brother may be hiding. He looked to the other boys for suggestions. All of them shrugged their shoulders except Dra-ville, who had raised his webbed hand in the air, waving it frantically.

Remmie rolled his eyes. "Okay, little brother, what's your suggestion?"

"ACCIO PEPSI!" bellowed Dra-ville. In two seconds flat, Ron Jr. came hurtling through the air, clutching a half-empty two-liter bottle of Pepsi. He had a Pepsi mustache and a sheepish look on his face. He landed with a _splash_ on his mothers' waterbed, puncturing the blue vinyl surface through the 100 thread count K-mart sheets. Greenish, algae smelling water bubbled up from the mattress, soaking the sheets.

"Coool! Puddles!" Screeched Albie and Argie in tandem, and they jumped on the bed to have some splashing fun.

"Never mind the puddles," howled Remmie, "Voldebby has been kidnapped!"

The boys stopped their shenanigans and looked at their hairy brother. "We need to find her." He whimpered, tears forming in his amber eyes, threatening to soak his fuzzy face. "And I don't think we'll be able to do it without magic. Is everyone with me?"

The boys blinked at Remmie, as if they had no clue what he was babbling about. Remmie sighed. "Oh never mind, ON TO MOM'S CLOSET!"

They began digging through the closet and found their mothers' old school trunk, which Dra-ville opened with a perfectly enunciated "_Aloha Mora_!"

Albie looked at Argie. Argie looked at Harseverius. The three boys stared at their youngest brother in awe. Remmie still could not figure out how his dimwitted brother learned magic.

They found a wand, which Remmie reluctantly gave to Dra-ville. They found a strange little hourglass thingy on a golden chain. This went to Harseverius, since he was so fond of shiny things. Remmie took possession of his mothers' old school broom, and Ron Jr. refused to take anything, since that would mean letting go of his Pepsi.

"My Precioussssssss!" Hissed Ron Jr., as he lovingly stroked the contoured surface of the bottle.

Albie and Argie were arguing over the old striped knee socks and tie, when they spied something at the very bottom of the trunk. It was an enormous taxidermied ginger cat, with a very sour expression on its poorly preserved face.

"Cool! This is creepy!" Albie sighed in a dreamy-awed kind of voice

"Gimme that cat!" Screamed Argie. Somehow, seeing that stiffened cat brought back very bad feelings.

Albie was very empathic towards his twin brother, so he grudgingly gave the huge stuffed orange cat to Argie, but not until he traded for the knee socks and tie.

Argie stroked the mummified cat's dusty fur, which came out in clumps, and cried. _She's been petrified… Mrs. Norris…_

When each boy had received something from the trunk, Remmie closed the lid, scattering moths like a cave full of bats.

One by one, they climbed through the small window, landing unceremoniously on the Astroturf below. The oldest boys went first and helped the younger ones through, except Dra-ville, who floated to the ground effortlessly.

Holding hands, the boys approached the charred spot where the cloaked man had disapparated. It was still smoking, and Harseverius touched it without thinking. It was a good thing they had linked hands, because the charred spot was a portkey. They screamed as their young bodies were seemingly turned inside out, whooshing through a labyrinth of blackness and bright sparkly flashes of light.

The boys landed unconscious in a pile on top of a one-story building.

Remmie was the first to awaken. Brushing the dust off his tail, stood up to assess the situation. He was surprised to discover the building they had landed on was none other than the local Super Wal-Mart, where his mother, brothers and he had spent many happy hours.

_Why on Earth would a portkey go through the trouble of bringing us within a block of our house? _ Remmie mused to him self, as a large pigeon landed on Ron Jr.s' face and began pecking at his freckles.

Remmie peered down from his lofty perch and watched as various muggles entered and exited the store, the automatic doors making an ominous hiss as they opened and closed.

Just then, a tall man left the store. Remmie could only see the top of his head, but he could tell it was the same man who kidnapped Voldebby. The man was pushing a large shopping cart laden with multiple packages of Pampers and Huggies, Gatorade and toilet paper. In the front of the cart sat Voldebby, munching from a large plastic bag of popcorn and cooing happily to herself.

Remmies' heart clinched in longing for his baby sister. He missed her bulging green eyes and slit-like nostrils. He missed her pallid gray skin and large floppy ears. He even missed her rotten-egg smell.

Just then, Voldebby looked up. She saw Remmie and waved at him. "WEMMIE!" She shouted.

The cloaked man looked up in panic, and cursed loudly. He ran with the cart to what looked like a phone booth and shoved the cart inside. In a blinding flash of green light, the phone booth vanished, leaving (you guessed it) a smoking brown circle.

Remmie leapt into action, waking his comatose brothers. He paused a few seconds before waking Ron Jr. He enjoyed watching the gathering flock of pigeons pecking on his snooty brother. Alas, the good guy in him emerged and he shook Ron Jr. back to consciousness.

Remmie hopped on his mothers' old broom, and prepared to leap off the roof of the store.

"Garrghfurrgha!" Cried Dra-ville.

Remmie could somehow understand his youngest brothers garbled speaking. "Garrghfurrgha" meant "Stop, in the name of love!" Remmie paused, looking at the blond, round-faced miniature wizard.

Thoroughly annoyed, Remmie whined, "What _now, _Dra-ville?"

"WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!" Screamed Dra-ville, dramatically swishing and flicking his mothers' wand.

The six boys were lifted off the ground and onto the broom. Remmie noticed with delight the broom had lengthened to hold all of them.

All of them, except Ron Jr. He cradled the two liter close to his body, his chin trembling in apprehension.

"Come ON Ronnie, get on the broom!" Yelled Albie and Argie, in a blind panic.

Ron Jr. didn't budge.

Remmies' pupils contracted. His breathing became labored. A low rumbling sound escaped his lips. He really couldn't handle stress like this, it often triggered his _episodes. _His hands tightened on the broom, the lengthening fingernails gouging splintery troughs in the wooden handle.

"_GET… ON… THE… BROOM… RIGHT… **NOW.**_" Remmie growled at Ron Jr.

With a terrified "eep" Ron Jr. jumped on the broom, cowering to the back bristles where he clung tight to the handle and trembled.

"That's better." Remmie retorted, returning to normal. He didn't notice his other brothers had gone silent. They knew better than to mess with Remmie when he was having an "episode."

The boys soared off the roof of the Super Wal-mart, and landed gently by the smoking brown spot. They looked at each other and clasped hands, gathering in a tight circle around the charred sphere.

"Ready?" Asked Remmie.

The boys just nodded in silence, still leery of their lycanthropic brother.

"Then let's get on with it!" He demanded, matter-of-factly. Remmie touched the overcooked brown spot with his foot, and the boys were immediately swallowed in a swooshing vortex of chaos.

To the outside world, it appeared a large roman candle had been set off in the Wal-mart parking lot. Green and red sparks flew everywhere, accompanied by an ear splitting screech. Car alarms were going off, and the pigeons that had been dining on Ron Jr.s' freckles imploded, feathers scattering asunder.

Now you think the muggles would have noticed the strange goings on in the parking lot, but they did not. This _was_ Wal-Mart after all, and unusual sightings were the norm for this store.

Just try looking at the greeter. If that doesn't give you the creeps, nothing will!


	5. Episode 5

HerMany Loves,

Episode 5

Of Portkeys And Shopping Carts

The six boys tumbled through the wild kaleidoscope of sparkling nothingness and fell hard on top of a large, daisy covered hill. This time, they survived the impact without losing consciousness.

Twenty feet from them, the shopping cart lay smoking and overturned, its four wheels still spinning in the sunny fresh air. Disposable diapers littered the hillside. Next to the shopping cart lay Voldebbys' stuffed Hungarian Horntail, complete with fire breathing capabilities, and removable scales. Remmie walked over to the shopping cart. As the wheels creaked to a rusty stop, he picked up the toy dragon, and held it, ululating sorrowfully.

It took him a while to realize someone, or something, was howling with him. He turned to see Harseverius, with his head raised to the sky, baying like a bloodhound.

Remmie had a brilliant idea. To his best recollection, Harseverius was part dog. He brought Voldebbys' dragon to Harseverius, and let him sniff it. Harseverius started panting, and he wiggled his bottom like he would have wagged his tail, if he had one.

"Heresh the dragon, geet the dragon, buddy!" Remmie simpered to Harseverius, who got so excited, he was trembling. Harseverius took the dragon in his mouth, shaking it violently back and forth, as if to kill it.

"Thash it, buddy! Find sissy, go FIND her!" Remmies voice was so high pitched; it excited Harseverius to the point where he couldn't contain himself. He raised his left leg and urinated on Remmies' socks.

"BAD boy… BAD boy!" Screamed Remmie in protest. He picked up a branch from the ground to hit his brother, but accidentally dropped it. The branch rolled down the hill, and Harseverius ran after it, panting and barking.

Albie and Argie were laughing so hard, they messed their pull-ups. Good thing there were diapers available. Granted, they were several sizes too small, but beggars couldn't choose in these circumstances!

Even Ron Jr. was smiling, showing his bottle-rotted teeth.

Dra-ville wobbled over to Remmie and put a hand on the stunned boys shoulder. "FuFu wangammabada?" He tenderly asked his brother. FuFu wangammabada roughly translates to "What now, oh smartest among us?"

"I'm open for suggestions." Remmie said, with a sigh of resignation.

"Ung lubba ding von lick da shvemp!" Dra-ville suggested.

"That's _BRILLIANT!" _Cried Remmie.

So Dra-ville swished and flicked his mothers' wand, and "accio-ed" the cart. Dra-ville repaired any problems with a quick _reparo. _Remmie whistled a few times in rapid succession and summoned Harseverius, who had the dragon in his hand and a stick in his mouth. His face was flushed with excitement, and his mismatched eyes twinkled with mischief.

Dra-ville pointed the wand at Harseverius. Harseverius cowered to the ground and urinated again, not bothering to lift his leg.

"HITCH CANIS UT CURRUS!" Bellowed Dra-ville.

Long, thin strips of leather like material formed itself around Harseverius' torso and elongated, attaching themselves to the front bar of the shopping cart, just between the two front wheels. Another appendage, resembling a fishing pole, grew from the front end of the cart, with a long string dangling down just inches in front of the poor dog like child's nose. Harseverius trembled as he stared at the string, which was swaying slightly in the breeze.

Dra-ville pointed the wand at the cart. "CURRUS AMPLUS!" He shouted. The shopping cart elongated to roughly the size of a minivan.

For once Ron Jr. was interested in what his brothers were doing, and sauntered over to them.

"That looks terribly unsafe." He offered.

"Yurga dumg plapple, Ron."

Ron Jr. blinked at Dra-ville, and then looked at Remmie.

"What he said was, you're probably right, Ron." Remmie informed his freckled brother.

Per Ron Jr.s' practical thinking, Dra-ville swished the wand inside the cart and incanted "_Adaugeo seatbelts_!" Seatbelts appeared in the shopping cart, enough to hold five children.

Albie and Argie were the first in the cart, and they crowded in the back seats. They shifted uncomfortably, because they had to tape the smaller diapers to their bare skin in order to make them fit.

"Hey guys, wouldn't it be easier to just go in the toilet?" Ron Jr. suggested.

Albie and Argie looked at each other with "Why didn't we think of that before" looks on their faces, and simultaneously whipped their diapers off, screaming in pain from the tape taking out chunks of skin. They ran behind a nearby tree and did their business, returning with "We're big boys now" looks on their faces.

Remmie patted Ron on the back; "Nice work, mate!"

Ron Jr. beamed, taking a huge swig from the two liter, draining the contents. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and tossed the bottle carelessly on the hill, where it rolled down rapidly.

With a lurch, Harseverius ran after the bottle, taking the empty cart with him, since he was attached to it. The boys chased after him, to no avail. Thinking quickly, Remmie instructed the boys to hop on the broom, and they rushed down the hill toward the runaway shopping cart. Harseverius was pulling the cart faster than the boys could fly. Remmie stood on the end of the broom, freeing his hands, and grasped for the bright blue handle of the rapidly descending vessel.

He missed.

He reached for it again.

He missed again.

Stretching his fingers and screwing his face up in concentration, much like Daniel Radcliffe did in the movies right before he caught the golden snitch, he managed to grasp the cart with the tips of his fingers. He finally got a firm grip on the handle, but found himself being pulled swiftly along by his brother's relentless pursuit of the empty bottle.

Remmie looked back at Dra-ville panicking. "DO SOMETHING!" He screamed.

Dra-ville pulled out the wand again. "RETARDO BARDUS CURRUS!" He shouted. The cart rolled to a gentle stop, just at the bottom of the hill.

The boys fell off the broom, exhausted and out of breath.

Harseverius lay with the empty bottle between his hands, chewing delightedly on the red plastic cap.

Remmie hadn't studied Latin since a year ago; his Mother couldn't afford the lessons. He wasn't sure of it, but he thought his brother had just used a spell called "Slow down the Stupid Cart." Remmie had no recollection of any such spell, but he was glad his slow yet brilliant younger brother knew it.

The six boys lay at the bottom of the hill, staring up at the shifting clouds, listening to Harseverius chew the bottle into little pieces. They watched as the clouds became thicker and darker, finally spouting jagged fingers of lightning. Fat, violent drops of rain fell from the sky, quickly soaking the boys in the torrent. The boys were too tired to do anything.

"Um… Guys?" Asked Ron Jr. "I think we had better get out of the rain, we could all catch colds."

_Since when did RON_ _become the sensible one? _Remmie thought, resentfully.

"Asha garth smurgletta Ron!" Garbled Dra-ville.

Ron Jr. had barely glanced over at Remmie when he rolled his eyes and told his redhead brother; "What he said was that's a good suggestion, Ron."_ R_emmie noticed his brother's babblings were becoming closer to the words he actually meant to say.

Dra-ville pointed the wand to a somewhat dry place under a tree and said "_Constructum tectum." R_ight before their eyes, a double-wide trailer appeared, complete with Astroturf and pink flamingos. The boys ran inside, out of the rain storm that had just turned into a hailstorm. Harseverius scratched pitifully at the door, still attached to the cart. He sighed in resignation and curled up underneath the awning, falling into a fitful sleep, huffing and twitching his legs.

Outside, as late afternoon progressed to evening, the storm worsened. All of Hermione's boys were sleeping, but her only daughter was still awake. She sat in a darkened room of a house not far away, in a brand new porta-crib bought at Wal-mart. The pupils in her bulging green eyes contracted with every flash of lightning. She couldn't sleep without her stuffed dragon. It was going to be a _LONG _night.


	6. section 6

HerMany Loves

Section 6

The Dogchilds Prophecy

Harseverius woke up under the awning, the magical leather straps chafing his skin. He sat up, stretched and watched as the sun peeked its bright orange head above the horizon. The birds were chattering, and the air smelled like fresh washed sheets out on the line.

He had fallen asleep with Voldebbys' toy dragon. He vaguely remembered the events of yesterday. Sometimes, when his canine nature took over, he had memory lapses. He sniffed the green scaly toy. He sniffed the air. He could smell it faintly, coming from the north east. The smell of rotting cabbage, the smell of Voldebby. _She must be somewhere close, _he thought to himself.

He stretched his thin arms and yawned widely. He attempted to scratch at a flea, but he was still wearing his sneakers. He removed the right one, and lifted his leg to scratch, just behind his ear. His eyes rolled up in ecstasy as he thumped his leg against the ground in a scratching frenzy.

The amplified thumping of his younger brothers foot against the aluminum siding roused Remmie. He got up and looked out the window at Harseverius, feeling a little guilty that he left him out last night. He also felt extremely hungry. They hadn't eaten since yesterday morning.

After waking up Albie, Argie, Dra-ville and Ron Jr., He put on his hand-me-down clothes that had been modified to fit his bushy wolf tail. He looked in the bathroom mirror, and ran his fingers through his hirsute countenance, since there was no comb available.

Dra-ville stumbled into the bathroom, half awake. "Igudda doh neenkle." He mumbled groggily and pushed past Remmie to get to the toilet.

Dra-ville looked up from his perch on the throne. Remmie asked him, "My hair is a mess. Do you think you can manufacture something with that fancy wand?"

"Mffhh hmffh." He drawled, heavy lidded. He made a jerky up and down motion with the wand. "_Fabrica unus hairbrush."_

He yawned widely.

Remmie watched with amazement as Dra-ville conjured a hairbrush, which automatically brushed the hair on the wolf-childs' face. _I could get used to this, _Remmie pondered.

Albie and Argie ran out the front door, and did their morning business behind a tree. Ron Jr. padded into the kitchen, and opened the empty refrigerator. He sighed and closed the door, perhaps a little too hard.

After they were all dressed and bath roomed, each of the boys took a drink of water from the outside spigot. They set up the shopping cart, loading all the treasures from their mothers' old school trunk, and climbed inside.

They tied a discarded plastic bottle on the end of the string just in front of Harseverius' nose. "Find food, find us some food, boy!" Remmie coddled in a high-pitched tone. The canine-esque child trembled in anticipation.

Remmie snapped the leather straps hard on his brother's back and the cart lunged forward, Harseverius on a clandestine pursuit of the plastic bottle. They zoomed over an empty field to a suburban neighborhood, turning the corner so fast the cart nearly tipped over. They were approaching a busy intersection in town and Remmie began to panic, pulling back hard on the straps.

Harseverius suddenly stopped, sending the boys in the cart crashing into each other. The "don't walk" sign was lit, and Harseverius knew better than to disobey the sign.

As soon as they saw the little white man light up, Harseverius took off again, accelerating so fast the boys were plastered against each other at the back of the cart. Faster and faster he ran, until the other boys cheeks were flapping around their teeth. With great effort, Dra-ville drew his wand and pointed it at the plastic bottle dangling from the string. "_Abolesco solum!" _He managed to squeak out between cheek flaps. The pop bottle vanished, and Harseverius slowed down, looking around confusedly.

The boys in the cart began cheering loudly. The boy pulling the cart thought they were cheering for him, and he puffed out his chest proudly. Pride turned to disappointment as Harseverius discovered the REAL reason for their cheering. They had stopped right next to a McDonalds!

"Cool! Mickey-D's!" Shouted Albie and Argie, while the author stared in amazement that her spell checker accepted Mickey-D's. without protest.

The boys clambered out of the cart, and began running toward the familiar brown glass doors.

"Hold yer taters!" Demanded Remmie. "We don't have any money!"

Albie and Argie turned around, disappointment clearly evident in their faces.

"How do you suppose we'll buy food with no money?" Ron Jr. asked sarcastically.

"Wemf cud maishum, Ron!" Offered Dra-ville.

Ron Jr. actually understood his brother this time. "I agree, Dra-ville. Magic-ing some money is a brilliant idea!"

The two brothers embraced in their new communication, leaving Remmie staring, mouth agape.

"_Partum viaticum!" _Dra-ville incanted, drawing an invisible dollar sign with the borrowed wand. The boys felt a heaviness in their pants, and found they each had one-hundred U.S. one- dollar bills, deep in their front pockets.

They practically flew toward the doors, crowding around them, trying to get in at the same time. Finally Remmie pushed through, and they flowed in like blood cells directly to the counter.

Harseverius sat outside, still hitched to the cart, whining pitifully. It wasn't fair. He had money too, and he was hungry. He began chewing on the straps that connected him to the cart.

Just then a vagrant staggered by, eyeing the extra-large cart with lust. He glanced at the unusual looking child, gazing back at the shopping basket. The vagrant licked his parched lips and took a noisy sip from a bottle in a brown bag. The vagrant belched, a low, phlegm rattling growl that smelled as bad as it sounded. Harseverius passed out from the stench, and the vagrant took out a dull kitchen knife, wasting no time sawing away at the leather straps.

The boys swarmed around the counter, each shouting an order at a sour looking woman in a burgundy uniform shirt. She wore a badge that said "Hi, I'm Darlene."

"ONE at a time, you little sh…!" Darlene stopped short of swearing. She closed her eyes in a dramatic effort to calm herself. "_Please form a single-file line." _ She forced a pleasant tone through gritted teeth.

The boys lined up as ordered. They were mildly afraid of Darlene. It took the better part of thirty minutes for the five boys to order their various meal combos. They exited the restaurant carrying several heavy bags of food, Remmie managing a teetering stack of soft drinks in gray cardboard carriers.

"Wait a minute, what about Hars?" Ron Jr. protested, stopping just outside the restaurant doors. "He's been pulling that heavy cart for us, he needs food too!"

"Owl geddud, Ron." Dra-ville offered, and gave his two bags of food to Albie and Argie before facing Darlene.

"Get ON with it then!" Remmie snorted.

They waited another fifteen minutes, the sweat from the soft drink cups soaking the fur on Remmies arms. His muscles shook under the strain of holding them so long. He was annoyed. The food was going to be cold, and the drinks were going to be warm. Finally, Dra-ville emerged, holding another three bags of food, looking rather sheepish.

"Awwuzungry!" He said defensively, as his starving brothers gave him murderous looks. They proceeded toward the cart, and stopped half way across the parking lot. Two of the soft drink holders tumbled off the stack, splattering melting ice and pop on the creosote reeking asphalt. The cart was not there.

Harseverius lay unconscious under the small shade tree, the severed straps trailing behind his limp body. The boys managed to get to him without dropping any more food or pop.

"_Refero conscientia!" _Dra-ville whispered tremulously. He waved his mothers' wand over his brothers lifeless form, gradually bringing him to wakefulness.

Harseverius blinked slowly and sat up, his head swimming.

The concerned faces of his five brothers came slowly into focus. Ron Jr. unwrapped a cheese burger and offered it to him. He took a bite, wiping bitter tears from his face.

"Tell us what happened, Hars." Ron Jr. asked in a fatherly tone.

Harseverius was never much on words, but he "spilled his guts" to his brothers in his speech impediment wracked voice. "Bad vagwant… Big knife… Weally stinky buwp…"

"Buwp?" Asked Remmie, trying to understand.

Dra-ville rolled his eyes. "He meant _burp, _you half-wit!" The blond wizard boy clamped his hands over his mouth, like he had sworn his worst profanity. He looked panic stricken at his brothers, who just stared at him in disbelief.

Twenty yards away, behind an overstuffed brown dumpster, a roughshod vagabond cackled softly to himself. He pulled out a thin willow wand, pointing to the shopping cart. _"Currus minor." _He whispered in a wine graveled voice. The cart shrank to the size of a small mouse, and the man put it in his pocket.

He looked at the collection of items, half thinking about leaving them, then thinking wholly different. He put the taxidermy cat, the knee socks and tie and the broom in a pile on the ground, shrank them magically and stuffed them in his handkerchief.

The vagabond pointed the wand at his face. "_Verto visio!" _He whispered.His face morphed like melting wax, re-arranging itself rather painfullyTransformation complete, the man ran his long thin fingers through his white-blond hair. _That was almost too easy, _he hissed sibilantly.


	7. Chapter 7

HerMany Loves

Part 7

Who's Your Daddy?

Voldebby sat up in the Porta-crib. She hadn't slept much last night, and she was tired, cranky and needed a diaper change.

She raised one of her matchstick legs and attempted to lift it over the edge of her padded prison. The crib was _just _too tall. Voldebby huffed in frustration and tried again with her opposite leg. She could only manage to get one of her elongated pale gray toes over the precipice.

Voldebby was only one year old, but she knew more about magic than any of her brothers. She was part house-elf, and house-elves boasted unexplored wizardly ability. The house-elf blood gave her keen eyesight, great hearing and annoyingly skinny legs.

She never heard the name of her other possible dad; her mother never mentioned him. However, Voldebby was often told her she had her _unmentionable _fathers nose. Almost everyone she met told her such; _Fathers nose this, fathers nose that… yadda yadda yadda… _It was really quite annoying, to be told you had someone's nose, a someone that no one would mention.

Her youngest brother, Dra-ville, was the only one of the clan that showed magical talents, and she had taught him all he knew. Unfortunately, her penchant for speaking did not equal her intellect. Every spell she tried to cast verbally went awry; so at six months she had taught herself non-verbal incantations, allowing her to survive the dysfunctional life into which she had been born.

She peered through the polyester mesh and surveyed her surroundings. The room was spartan, furnished only by a queen sized bed and a peeling chest of drawers. On the bed lay a tall thin man still in his cloak. He was snoring loudly.

Her orb-like green eyes focused on the chest of drawers. There was a half empty glass of water, a semi-chewed pack of Juicy Fruit gum, a fork, a vial of flea repellent potion, a tankard of frog spawn and a wand.

Voldebby looked at the man sleeping in the bed, then looked back at the dresser. The man rolled over, snorting uncomfortably, and nuzzled deep into the pillow. The mans' hood shifted, partially revealing his face. Voldebby stared at the man, her expression a frozen mask of discovery.

His skin was pallid gray.

His nose… was two slits plastered against his horribly disfigured face.

_Fabrico speculum! _she chanted telepathically. A mirror materialized in her knobby hand. She peered into the reflective surface, running her hands over her face in wonder. She touched her slit-like nostrils, comparing them to the nose holes of the sleeping man. They were the same.

The man on the bed shifted again, grinding his face into the pillow, curling into a fetal position. He mumbled incoherently to himself as the thin polyester sheet fell from his body, and he shivered slightly.

He was gruesome, possibly the most evil wizard in the world, and he smelled bad.

Voldebby could not help herself. She felt a violent surge of love for the prone man, and with a wave of her misshapen hand, placed the sheet back over his shivering form.

She peered over the top of the porta-crib and stared at the wand on the peeling chest of drawers. _Accio wand! _she thought. The wand flew off the bureau and into her grip.

Voldebby examined the wand, which vibrated slightly in her pallid fist. A pale green glow emanated from the wand and enveloped her fingers, creeping up her arm until it surrounded her whole body. Voldebby felt light headed as she elevated out of the baby confinement unit and floated gently to the floor.

Voldebby felt a powerful urge to make something for the repugnant snoring man that may be her other father. She toddled silently to the kitchen and saw a paper grocery bag on a table littered with debris. She climbed on a chair and dragged the bag to the edge, scattering several objects off the table. They tumbled to the floor with a mighty noise. She sucked in her breath, hoping she hadn't awakened the monstrous entity in the other room. A loud snoring grunt was the answer to her worries, and she let out her breath in relief.

Luckily for her, one of the things that fell off the table was a 65 count box of Crayola Crayons. They lay on the floor spread in a rainbow of disorganization. She also found a pair of bright pink safety scissors. She wondered briefly why an evil Dark Lord would have pink safety scissors, then pushed the thought out of her mind as she started creating her masterpiece.

In no time at all, she had constructed a perfect replica of a pirate ship out of the grocery bag, complete with flags and crows nest. She made several miniature Death Eaters, all wearing cloaks, and scattered them around the deck of the ship. She thought this would please her daddy. For a finishing touch, she constructed a dark mark out of the twist ties that fell off the table. She colored her dark mark with green crayons, and twisted it to the highest sail of the ship, giving it an illusion of hanging in mid-air.

She sat back to admire her handiwork, when she heard a key turning in the front door. Panicking, she ran under the coffee table. A very handsome blond young man came through the door, sighing heavily as he emptied his pockets onto the cluttered table. He removed his cloak and draped it over an exposed roofing nail that jutted out from the paneled wall.

Sighing again, he opened the refrigerator, extracting a fierce grape Gatorade with a twist top, and plopped down on a worn out recliner.

He groped around the cushions of the chair, as if searching for something. "Where is that remote?" he grumbled.

Voldebby covered her large bat-like ears as the young man cursed loudly and walked purposefully toward the bedroom down the hall.

"Oh Tommmmyyyy!" the blond hunk sang angrily as he approached the master bedroom.

"AUUUGGGGHHHHHHHH!" came an anguished cry from the bedroom. The blond guy looked worried.

"Tommy, what's wrong?"

"SHE'S GONE! SHE WAS JUST IN HER CRIB, AND NOW SHE'S GONE!" bellowed the man who's name was apparently Tommy. "And do not call me Tommy!" ordered the man, in a calmer tone.

"Is Tommykins okay?" the blond man snickered, "How 'bout Voldiekins or Voldy-woldy!"

"AAARRRGGggggh!" screamed Tommy Tommykins Voldy-woldy. "Draco Malfoy, If you were not so dead sexy, I would Crucio your buttocks!"

"Wouldn't be the _first _time," Draco swore sibilantly under his breath.

"WHAT did you say?"

"Oh _nothing…_" Draco simpered. "Any way, what am I doing standing on this side of the door when we both should be looking for that smelly gray weird looking kid."

"DO NOT TALK ABOUT MY DAUGHTER THAT WAY!" shouted the Dark Lord, reaching for his wand to curse the infuriating man, then realizing it was missing.

"She MIGHT be your daughter Voldiekins, (snicker) you can not be sure yet, you still need to do the paternity test."

Draco tried to sound assuring, but only succeeded in further infuriating His Evilship.

Voldy-poo let out the breath he had been holding and opened the door. "You are right, let us look for her. She must be somewhere near, I can smell her. By the way, did you succeed in finding her dragon?"

"Um…" Draco hesitated.

"Um… WHAT?" Voldemort drilled.

"Um… Sir?" Draco asked in a hopeful tone, cowering slightly.

"AARRRrrggghhhh!" Tommykins screamed in frustration.

Voldebbys' ears perked. The stinky man said "AARRRrrggghhh!" and AARRRrrggghhh's what pirates say! He HAD to be her other unmentionable daddy! She extricated herself from under the table and thrust the brown paper bag pirate ship towards him, beaming with pride.

Tommy the stinky man looked down at her. Draco looked down at her. Both men blinked.

Suddenly, voldiekins' chin began to tremble. He scooped up Voldebby and hugged her tight to his chest, crushing the paper pirate ship between them. Through choked sobs he scolded; "NEVER… _sniff… _scare… _hiccup_ … me… _snort…_ like… _nose blowing sound…_ that!"

Voldemorts' wand lay under the table. It felt very lonely. It was the wand of a dark wizard, and this particular dark wizard was known for his inability to love. _Well now,_ thought the wand sarcastically to himself, _Looks like mister 'I can't love anything or anybody' has finally learned to love…_ Anger bubbled up in the wand like a neglected pot of chicken noodle soup festering on the stove, and it began vibrating with fury. Every vile unforgivable curse it could think of erupted from its tip and ricocheted around the room.

Voldemort sheltered the pallid child with his body and dove behind the la-z-boy, which subsequently exploded in a shower of shredded foam and pseudo- velvet upholstery. A sinister jet of bright orange light grazed Draco's ear, instantly turning it into a potato. The potato began to sprout. Draco collapsed to the floor, rolling in agony.

Unfortunately for the wand, Voldebby's conjured mirror lay close by. The tell-tale emerald green jet of the Avada Kedavra curse flew straight towards the reflective surface and rebounded on the wand, which instantly disintegrated.

Silence enveloped the room. Voldebby picked up the tick tock of a clock somewhere, the strangled gasps of Draco as he tried to extricate the potato from his ear and the buzz of a fly as it tried desperately to exit the house through a solid pane of glass. She turned around and saw her tall, stinky otherdaddy sprawled behind what remained of the la-z-boy, unconscious.


End file.
